Why Self-Compassion Isn’t Touchy-Feely (and Why It’s a Crucial Management Skill)
"Resilience is based on compassion for ourselves as well as compassion for others." Sharon Salzberg
A couple of decades ago, if you threw around the terms "self-compassion" and "growth mindset" in a room full of business leaders, you'd likely be met with some eye rolls, a fair amount of "pshhh!" sounds, and several other signs of annoyance. "What is this mushy stuff you're bringing into a place of business?" they might have thought.
Fair enough.
These days, self-compassion and “growth mindset” are terms used frequently in the business word. Many conscious leaders now understand that one's internal state of mind is as important of an input to performing in the workplace as are outside factors such as reward systems, feedback, and incentives. At the same time, many people still disregard these practices (and they are, indeed, practices) as irrelevant factors of performance. They are soft, touchy-feely ideas best reserved for books and documentaries by self-appointed, give-yourself-a-hug-and-think-good-thoughts type of self-help gurus. Yet the research on the positive performance effects of self-compassion and a growth mindset is pretty eye-popping.
The bottom line is this: as a leader, as a manager, as a human being, you need to be continuously growing and developing yourself in order to be effective. Our philosophy at Nash Consulting is that developing personal growth capacity is the most crucial of all leadership practices.
We believe that you can't lead and manage others effectively when you're not willing to develop yourself. And adopting the practice of self-compassion in conjunction with a growth mindset allows us to continue along the path of growth more easily.
Still think this is just a touchy-feely subject? Let us try to convince you otherwise and then provide you with some tools for developing these skills.
The Four Stages of Development
When we develop a new skill or behavior, we go through four stages of growth:
Let’s take this model and use someone we’ll call, say, Jessi, as an example. Our dear friend Jessi, whether through nature or nurture, did not develop the skill of listening so that others feel respected and heard.
Unconscious Incompetence: For the longest time, Jessi had no clue she was a lousy listener. She didn't think about it much, so she assumed she was a-okay at it. Why would she assume otherwise? In other words, she didn’t know what she didn’t know.
Conscious Incompetence: Ouch! Jessi learns through some feedback (Podcast Episode #6) that people don't view her as a respectful listener. It's not fun to find out that she has a deficit in an area that’s impacting the people in her life, many of whom she cares about.
An important note here: It’s at this stage that we discover that the practice of self-compassion is key to our ability to advance into the next stage of development. When you find out that you suck at something and that it’s impacting those around you, it hurts! Your self-esteem can feel threatened, your self-concept can be shaken, and insecurity can settle in. This is normal. If you’re not in the habit of being kind to yourself – if, in fact, you have a really loud inner critic and spend a lot of time beating up on yourself – it’s much more likely that you’re going to feel overwhelmed and that your self-esteem will feel so threatened that you unconsciously back away from the growth opportunity that’s presenting itself.
But on the other hand, suppose you learned to give yourself grace (which is different than being complacent – more on this later). In that case, your inner sense of positive regard becomes more stable and harder to crack, so it becomes much easier to accept your shortcomings and recognize you have work to do to improve. Self-compassion is a catalyst for improvement. Research has found that people who mentally beat themselves up about failures don't improve as much or as quickly as those who treat themselves with compassion by recognizing that setbacks are a part of life and there is room for improvement.
Self-compassion is a catalyst for improvement. When we practice this skill, it's easier to get to the Conscious Incompetence stage and think, "That’s embarrassing, and I don’t like that I have this deficit, but I’m a pretty good person, and I never said I was perfect. I have many other wonderful qualities. So, I am going to call this a growth opportunity.”
Detour over. Back to our friend Jessi.
Conscious Competence: Since Jessi extended herself enough forgiveness when she discovered a deficit in her ability to listen, she’s able to wrap her head around what needs to change and begins developing the skill of listening. She seeks resources that help her develop. Jessi learns how to listen well and begins practicing this new skill. It takes lots of effort. (That’s why we call it “conscious” competence – you’re working at it intentionally.) She starts to see improvement, and she is fully engaged in a growth mindset.
Again, without some level of self-compassion, it can be really difficult to get to this stage. We can get stuck in a self-flagellation pattern, which keeps us from developing a growth mindset. Embracing a growth mindset means embracing our own failures and deficits, experiencing them fully, and recognizing our human capacity for improvement.
Unconscious Competence: After lots of intentional practice, asking for feedback, and trials and errors, the skill of listening well starts to become easier for Jessi. She’s now at the point where she just listens well and doesn’t have to think about it as much. Way to go, Jessi!
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In many ways, self-compassion is a meta-skill. Meaning, it is a skill that opens the door to learning all other skills. If we want to get better at listening, being less angry, or swimming, we should be developing the skill of self-compassion. If we spend too much time beating ourselves up, it's much harder to focus on what we need to do to improve in those areas. When you can say, "you know what, I have a deficit, and it's ok because all humans have deficits, and I'm capable of improving," that's when you can get down to business.
Most people want to grow and improve, and self-compassion provides us with the inner care we need to do so.
Self-Compassion and the Growth Mindset
Kristin Neff, a professor at the University of Texas in Austin, has long studied self-compassion and has articulated three behaviors practiced by people with high levels of self-compassion:
Rather than being judgmental about their failures or mistakes, they are kind to themselves about them.
They realize that setbacks and failures are an experience shared by all human beings.
They pay attention to the experience of feeling bad about their failures, setbacks, and deficits without letting those emotions take center stage.
[Check out the further down about the myths of self-compassion]
Research has also indicated that developing the skill of self-compassion leads people to embrace a growth mindset.
The term “growth mindset” was coined by Carol Dweck of Stanford University and is defined as the ability to see ourselves as malleable and that we can develop new traits, talents, and characteristics. In other words, it’s the belief that we have the ability to improve and grow continually, and this requires stumbling and falling along the way. Dweck’s research indicates that a growth mindset boosts positive emotions and one’s ability to bounce back from failure. Other research at the University of British Columbia reported that when someone’s level of self-compassion grew, so did their overall motivation and engagement, and, as we know (Podcast Episode #1, motivation and engagement are key components of high performance.
This is great news! Practicing self-compassion can trigger a growth mindset! And researchers have found that those who embrace a growth mindset are more effective, reach their goals more often, and (pro tip for managers!) are better able to help those around them become more effective.
We all want some of that, right? You deserve it, and so do the people you manage.
Developing self-compassion and getting into a growth mindset
We should all strive to develop a kit of tools to foster self-compassion, which will lead to a growth mindset and improve resilience and grit. Again, it’s a practice. It takes time and effort, but it is well worth it.
The following exercise, adapted from Kristin Neff's work, provides a strategy for practicing the skill of self-compassion. Neff has facilitated this type of exercise with business leaders, basketball teams, and students, and the results on performance are real.
Grab a journal, and let’s get to work:
One strategy for developing self-compassion is learning to talk to yourself like you would a close friend. Recall a time when a colleague, family member, or friend was going through a difficult time. Maybe they had done something they weren’t proud of, perhaps they were struggling in their job or a relationship, or maybe they were embarrassed about something they did or said. How did you talk to this person? What did you say? Note the words you used, your tone of voice, your body language, etc. Spend a few minutes journaling on this.
Now, flip the script. Recall a time when you did something you were not happy with, embarrassed about, or were just generally displeased with yourself. What was your internal dialogue like? What names did you call yourself? Were you harsh, or were you gentle? Were you angry or compassionate? Make some notes.
When this exercise is done, it’s common for people to realize that they often don’t talk to themselves as kindly, graciously, or compassionately as they would with a close friend. We sometimes treat ourselves in ways that we would never treat someone else. Do you think this is true for you? Journal about this.
Now, take a setback or failure you’re currently facing. It can be big or small. Take some time to write a letter to yourself, as if you were a close friend, responding to the setback. As a suggestion, take Neff’s three behaviors of people with high levels of self-compassion to guide your writing:
How would you remind yourself to be kind and understanding about your setback?
How would you remind yourself that setbacks and failures are an experience shared by everyone?
How would you remind yourself to put your feelings into perspective?
Finish off your letter with some self-reminders on how you can improve the situation, learn from it, and continue down the path of growth and development
Kristin Neff recommends developing a word or short phrase that we can recall when we find ourselves in a cycle of mentally beating ourselves up. This phrase provides a cue for remembering to practice self-compassion when we are less-than-kind to ourselves. This could be as simple as “setbacks are a part of life,” or “it’s ok – I’m still a good person,” or “I can learn from this.” Whatever suits your fancy. Spend a couple of minutes developing your mental cue. (It may seem weird at first, but what do you have to lose?)
Once again, remember that self-compassion is a practice. For most of us, it doesn’t come easy, but it’s totally worth developing.
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As you practice this skill, you’ll notice that you’ll often fail at being self-compassionate. This is normal! Remember to give yourself compassion about failing to be self-compassionate. With time, it will become easier and easier to give yourself the compassion you deserve. With the development of this skill, your ability to embrace and embody a growth mindset will start to become second nature. And results will start to show
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THE MYTHS OF SELF-COMPASSION
People are often resistant to the idea of practicing self-compassion, and with good reason. There are many misconceptions about what self-compassion is that prevent people from fully grasping its performance benefits. Let’s try and dispel some of these myths:
Myth #1: Self-compassion is a form of self-pity. We get it. No one likes a whiner. But self-compassion is actually an antidote to the inclination to whine and complain about our misfortunes. In fact, it makes us more willing and able to accept difficult feelings, process them fully, and let go. Research done at the University of Leuven found that people with high levels of self-compassion spent less time ruminating about their bad luck. Additionally, they found that self-compassionate people reported fewer symptoms of depression and anxiety.
Myth #2: Self-compassion and a growth mindset are just “self-talk” detached from reality. Not really. If you’re doing poorly and tell yourself you’re doing great, you’re just lying to yourself. That’s not what this is about. In fact, practicing self-compassion and embracing a growth mindset means experiencing your failures and setbacks fully and honestly, with all the attached emotions, and reflecting on them enough to figure out a plan to move forward and improve.
Myth #3: Self-compassion is weakness. Research from David Sbarra at the University of Arizona shows that people who practiced self-compassion during a challenging life event had better psychological adjustment and coped easier, allowing them to become more resilient. That doesn’t sound like weakness to me.
Myth #4: Self-compassion makes you complacent. There is an idea out there that if we don’t criticize ourselves for failing to live up to our standards, we’ll automatically become lazy. This may be true if you also don’t embrace a growth mindset. Yet it’s self-compassion that helps us get into a growth mindset. Researchers found that people who were helped to be more self-compassionate about their setbacks reported being more committed to improving their behaviors than those who were not helped to practice self-compassion. Self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff writes, “If we can acknowledge our failures and misdeeds with kindness, it's much safer to see ourselves clearly. This provides the encouragement and support needed to do our best and try again." Self-compassion enhances personal accountability.
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If you are committed to the path of growth and development, self-compassion may be one of the most critical skills for staying on the straight and narrow.
Self-compassion is not self-pity, it’s not convincing yourself you don’t need to improve, it’s not weakness, and it’s the opposite of complacency. It’s the practice of fully embracing your failures, appreciating the strength and talents you do have, and recognizing that you have room to improve. It allows you to bounce back quicker and keep on keepin’ on.
The price of admission for practicing self-compassion is low, and the performance payoff can be high. Give it a shot.