HANNAH BATES: Welcome to HBR on Leadership, case studies and conversations with the world’s top business and management experts, hand-selected to help you unlock the best in those around you. When was the last time you disagreed with your boss? Did you tell them – or just let it go? HBR contributing editor Amy Gallo says it IS much easier to just agree with your boss. But sometimes it’s better to speak up. Gallo is an expert in workplace conflict and communication and she co-hosts HBR’s Women at Work podcast. Her most recent book is Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People). In this episode you’ll learn how to weigh the risk of a negative reaction against the risk of not speaking up. And if you do decide to voice your opinion, there are some best practices you should keep in mind – like avoiding judgment words and first asking permission, instead of offering an unsolicited opinion. This episode originally aired as part of the HBR Guide video series in October 2021. Here it is.
AMY GALLO: Let’s say you disagree with someone more powerful than you, say your boss or your boss’s boss. How do you decide if you should say something, when and where to speak up, what to say, and how to say it? I’m going to share some advice to help you disagree with that authority figure more constructively and more confidently.
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Let’s say your client is demanding an unrealistic timeline or your senior colleague wants your buy-in on that doomed-to-fail idea. To decide if you should say something at all, it’s helpful to first do a risk assessment. It’s natural to avoid confrontation with a superior. As humans, we instinctively steer clear of situations that we fear might cause us harm, emotional rejection, or professional failure. But you might be overplaying these risks. Chances are you’re not going to be fired or make an enemy just for speaking your mind, especially if you do it the right way.
Most of us focus on the risk of saying something, but communication expert Joseph Grenny suggests we focus first on the risks of not saying something. What do you stand to lose? What opportunities could you or your team be missing out on? What could happen later if you don’t raise this issue now?
Then think through realistically what might happen if you voice your disagreement. And ask yourself, which is worse? You may decide speaking up truly isn’t worth it, especially if the higher up is someone who you suspect will be vindictive or your workplace has a history of punishing people for speaking their mind. But in many cases, sharing your opinion will be the right thing to do.
Then you need to decide when and where to share it. You may be able to build a stronger case if you wait to share your disagreement. This will give you time to research facts and make sure you understand the full picture. It could also give you time to find colleagues who are on the same page as you, and their ideas and support may bolster your case. The delay will also give you time to find the right environment to have this conversation.
Where you meet matters. A private meeting with this powerful person may be less threatening than airing your disagreement in a more public space. Once you’ve decided if, when, and where to share your opinion, it’s time to get into the nitty gritty of what to say and how to say it.
Communication expert Holly Weeks advises us to remember this is not a boxing match. “It’s more like a chess game” where you need to be strategic to increase your chances of success while keeping everyone’s integrity intact. On that note, if possible, it’s a good idea to establish a process with this person ahead of time before there’s even a disagreement. You might say, “We’re probably not always going to see eye-to-eye, and I was wondering how you want me to share my opinion if it differs from yours.” That way, when a disagreement comes up, they’ve already told you how they’d like you to handle it and they’ve given you tacit permission to share your opinion.
Whether or not you’re able to lay that groundwork beforehand, here’s what I recommend when you’re planning what to say. First, clearly restate the original idea or proposal. It may sound unnecessary, but you don’t want the conversation to be about whether or not you understood the original message. You want it to be about your ideas.
Also, ask permission to disagree. Like, “I’d like to lay out my reasoning. Would that be OK?” That may sound overly deferential, but it’s one of those strategic moves that allows your superior to opt into the conversation without feeling threatened. Plus, when they say yes, it has the added benefit of boosting your confidence before you share your opinion.
Then– and this one is really important– connect your idea to a shared goal, something you both care about– like quarterly earnings, company morale, or creating an equitable workplace. The discussion can then be refocused on accomplishing goals that are in the team’s or the organization’s best interests, not on the fact that you happen to have a contrary opinion. Once you’ve figured out what you’re going to say, you need to think through how you’re going to present your argument and yourself in this delicate situation.
First, stay calm. This isn’t always easy, but you want to project confidence and neutrality. Anxious or hesitant body language may undercut your message, so breathe deeply. Speak slowly and deliberately. Trust me, you’ll both be a lot calmer.
Stay humble. Your opinion is just that, your opinion. And you should be upfront in acknowledging that. Saying things like, “I’m just thinking out loud here,” or, “Tell me where I’m wrong on this,” leaves room for dialogue and invites curiosity rather than defensiveness.
Stay neutral. Share only facts, not judgments. Try this experiment to see what I mean. State your case without using a single adjective, especially loaded ones.
For instance, instead of saying, “I think making a big purchase now is hasty,” you might say, “We could see that prices are dropping. If we wait a little while longer, we may be able to save some money.” Avoiding words like “foolish,” “naive,” and “wrong” separates your critique from the people involved and keeps it focused on the problem that you’re trying to solve together.
Be respectful and firm. Saying something like, “I know you’ll make the final call here. It’s up to you,” puts the ultimate decision in their court while showing that you know where you stand. To be clear, this isn’t about backtracking or undermining yourself. It’s a balancing act, and you want to be firm about your opinion while acknowledging their authority.
That was a lot of information, so let me summarize. When assessing if, when, and where to speak up, remember the consequences of disagreeing might not be so bad and could be much worse if you keep silent. At the same time, wait to launch the discussion until you’ve had time to gather support and ideas so you can present the best possible case. Choose the right time and place in which to have the conversation.
When strategizing what to say, restate the original idea so they know you understand what they proposed. Explain that you have a different opinion, and ask if you can voice it. Find common ground. Connect your disagreement to a shared goal you both want to achieve. If you can, set up a disagreement process ahead of time to make all of the above much easier.
When thinking about how to say it, stay calm. Breathe deeply and speak slowly to keep everyone cool and collected. Stay humble and curious enough to hear critiques. Stay neutral, and avoid judgy adjectives that can be upsetting and counterproductive. Be respectful but firm. Acknowledge their authority in making the final decision after confidently and clearly stating your opinion.
Thanks for watching. All of these strategies are based on HBR articles, and we’ll put the links in the description below. Do you have a tactic that’s worked for you to disagree with someone more powerful than you, or do you have a big topic you want us to cover in a next HBR Guide to video? Comment below. Bye for now.
HANNAH BATES: That was HBR contributing editor Amy Gallo on the HBR Guide video series. Gallo is an expert in workplace conflict and communication, and she co-hosts another excellent HBR podcast, Women at Work. Her most recent book is Getting Along: How to Work with Anyone (Even Difficult People). We’ll be back next Wednesday with another hand-picked conversation about leadership from the Harvard Business Review. If you found this episode helpful, share it with your friends and colleagues, and follow our show on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts. While you’re there, be sure to leave us a review. We’re a production of the Harvard Business Review. If you want more articles, case studies, books, and videos like this, find it all at HBR.org. This episode was produced by Amy Gallo, Scott LaPierre, Jessica Gidal, Anne Saini, and me, Hannah Bates. Ian Fox is our editor. Video and editing by Andy Robinson and Jessica Gidal. Music by Coma Media. Special thanks to Riko Cribbs, Karen Player, Maureen Hoch, Adi Ignatius, Ramsey Khabbaz, Nicole Smith, Anne Bartholomew, and you – our listener. See you next week.
