Acknowledge Everyone’s Emotions for a Congruent Layoff Conversation, Part 3

Any time we mess with people's money, status, or ability to work, we create emotions—for ourselves and the other person. As managers, when we offer a job or a promotion, those emotions tend to be happy. But layoffs? Those emotions are rarely happy—for anyone.

If we try to bury those feelings, we might appear as if we don't care. If we think of ourselves, we become drama kings and queens. And if we feel very bad, we might placate the other person and apologize. (That might get the company in legal trouble.)

Somehow, we have to find our emotional balance to have a useful layoff conversation. That's where congruence helps. (See Practice Congruence to Create an Effective Culture for the full definition of congruence, with blaming, super reasonable, and placating stances.)

I start by acknowledging my feelings.

Start with Your Feelings

I think of my feelings in two parts: the general approach to the layoff and how I feel about each person, specifically. (Yes, I am totally aware of using “think” in this sentence about feelings.)

The first time I had to manage a layoff, I had to lay off five people (across my department). We'd gone through the painful exercise in Part 1 of deciding what we were not going to do any longer. I had a script from HR, as in Part 2.

And I still felt terrible.

I knew I could not have congruent conversations until I got my emotions together about the layoff in general. Because I still had a job. No one was laying me off.

I'm not particularly in touch with my emotions. At that time, I was better at feeling the emotions in my gut and my head than I had words for them. (I've been practicing, so I'm more feeling-articulate now.) And I am not, by nature, a touchy-feely person. While I've learned and matured, I'm (still!) much more likely to argue with you than to gush over you.

With any luck, you are better at identifying your emotions than I was then.

Here's what I did to acknowledge how I felt. I made lists for both the general and specific:

• Reasons my management were idiots so we could avoid doing this again. (A little blaming, but I'm human.)
• How I personally had tried to avoid this event. (A little super-reasonable and defensive.)
• Actions I was willing to offer each person to help them find a new job. Was I willing to write them a reference or help them network? I had choices.

Notice that I acknowledged my emotions, regardless of how blaming, super-reasonable, or placating they were. We can't “get past” our emotions until we acknowledge them. Because I acknowledged how I felt, I could decide what to say and how. Once I understood how I felt, I could find my emotional balance to have these conversations.

Preparation helped me a lot. You might not need as much preparation as I did.

Be Ready to Assess the Other Person's Feelings

I've only had to assess a boss's feelings once—when he was a drama king and decided he could not “handle” the pressure of a layoff. He asked me, someone who was subordinate to him in the hierarchy, to do his job for him.

I said no and suggested he lay himself off. If he couldn't manage the management messes he created as a manager, he wasn't cut out to be a manager. I was not going to teach him.

But more often, I need to assess the feelings of the person I'm laying off. I focus on empathy.

Empathize, Not Sympathize

I had a guideline for myself, to empathize with people, not feel pity or sorrow for them. (English differentiates these two words. Not all languages do.) I like Brene Brown's differentiation:

• Empathy is when we feel with the other person.
• Sympathy is when we feel bad for the other person.

When I empathized with people, I could say things such as:

• When you're ready, let me know and I can suggest some people to network with.

The “when you're ready” part was important to many of the people I had to lay off. I didn't want to pressure them to start to network for a new job this minute. Even if I thought that this minute is the right time to start. Many people need a little time to find their emotional balance after such a Foreign Element. (See Where Are You in Your Changes? for an extensive discussion of the Satir Change Model.)

Examine how you have felt if you've been laid off. What were you ready to hear and when?

When you meet with the person you need to lay off, have a box of tissues readily available. And as you have the conversation, leave conversational space for the person to react. The first time a manager laid me off, I was totally surprised. I didn't hear anything after the “you no longer have a job here” part of the sentence. I'm pretty sure I asked the manager to repeat what he said several times.

Yes, several people cried when I laid them off. Most of them were men and were the sole breadwinner for their families. I offered to discuss what I had done when I'd been laid off when they were ready to discuss that. I did not inflict help on them.

As a manager, your job is to support them as you help them leave the organization. You choose how much support fits for you.

And, be aware that people will remember how you made them feel at this time, a horrible time for them.

Manage Your Words and Actions so the Other Person Can Manage Their Emotions

Every time I was laid off, I quickly found a better job for more money. That's not everyone else's experience. And even when I was laid off with a new mortgage, I had three months of mortgage payment in the bank. Not everyone does.

That's why I never said, “I know how you feel.”

That's because I don't know each person feels. Neither do you.

And it's none of your business. Your business is to get to the point and say what you need to say, as in the Layoff Conversation, Part 2.

Don't waste anyone's time. Such as the time my boss called me to his office at 9:30 in the morning and allowed a different phone call to waste 15 minutes of my time. I could have used those 15 minutes to network. My boss did not respect me or my time—even when he laid me off. Yes, I told him so.

No other business is more important than your obligation to the people you're laying off.

Later, I told people to stay away from that organization because they didn't even respect me when they laid me off.

But the people you lay off are not the only people with emotions. All the survivors of a layoff also have emotions. You can support them with respect and kindness, not therapy.

You're Not a Therapist

Unless you have training as a therapist, don't ask the remaining people, the survivors, probing personal questions. How they feel is none of your business. What is your business is how they act, the behaviors they exhibit at work.

I'm not suggesting people push their emotions down and ignore them. That never works. But if someone appears to be okay, it's not your job to offer therapy.

Instead, consider these ideas:

• Maintain your one-on-one meetings. Especially after a layoff, people might have questions for a while—especially if the company is not making the revenue targets. In a one-on-one, ask if they have any concerns, challenges, or feedback for you about anything. Invite the person to discuss their concerns with you.
• If you're not the team leader, consider how you might work with the team's facilitator to see if they can focus the team on working in flow efficiency for a common goal. (See Resource Efficiency vs. Flow Efficiency, Part 5: How Flow Changes Everything.) When people have a goal together, they tend to support each other.
• Keep people up to date on the revenue or whatever triggered this layoff. Don't bury or avoid bad news. It's terrible to have a layoff. It's worse when you have a layoff every quarter.

Asking, “You okay?” is not useful. Instead, ask about challenges and concerns. Especially if your company tried to keep all the current projects and lay off a percentage of the staff.

Respect and Congruence Go a Long Way

Think back to your best and worst managers. What feelings do you remember when you think of them? Some of my best managers had a great sense of humor and treated me as if I was an adult. My worst managers demeaned me and undermined my work.

You can use that information to guide your behaviors, especially in a layoff. I suspect you will find that respect and congruence—probably with a little kindness thrown in—will guide your actions. Good luck.

I'll do a short (I hope!) summary post.

The entire series:

• Have to Lay People Off? Practice Congruence and First Choose What Not to Do, Part 1
• How to Approach the Layoff Conversation with Respect and Congruence, Part 2
• Acknowledge Everyone's Emotions for a Congruent Layoff Conversation, Part 3
• Lay People Off with Congruence to Make Better Business Decisions, Part 4, Summary