There is an American idiomatic expression that people use to point out someone’s mistakes, often in a public setting.
This is referred to as “calling out” someone for their mistake.
This process usually involves judging someone’s behavior and confronting them about it. Calling someone “out” can have a judgmental, punitive, or even shaming energy associated with it.
While I think “calling someone out” has its place, I think it is overused.
Instead, I prefer to call someone “in” on something they’re doing.
When you call someone “in” on what they’re doing, you’re bringing into their conscious awareness that:
1) they are doing a particular behavior;
2) their behavior is having a negative impact on others.
In my first year at McKinsey, I called “in” one of the partners regarding something he said that was hurtful to another first-year consultant.
I don’t think the partner realized the impact that his words had on the recipient — but I did.
I gently said to him, “I don’t know if you realize this or not, but that joke you made about [Person’s Name] went a little too far, and I think he was hurt by that comment.
The partner, to his credit, said to me, “Really? I didn’t realize that. Do you think I should apologize to him, or do you think that would make things worse by bringing more attention to it?”
I said, “I think an apology to [Person’s Name] would be appropriate and welcomed.”
The partner did it immediately.
A lot of people don’t intentionally want to negatively impact others. Sometimes they just don’t realize that they have done so.
Calling someone “in” on the consequences of their behavior gives them a chance to adjust without having to get distracted by judgmental or punitive energy.
What do you think about calling someone “in” on their actions? Comment below to let me know.
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9 thoughts on “Calling Someone Out”
Fully agree. Actually what CJ commented about making it private IS key.
For additional reference, the well know book, how to make friends and influence people, gives great insights onto this.
In case they inspire you further how to give feedback, coach team members and make better teams.
My takeaway is to talk about someone’s mistakes in a private setting and not lay blame or be confrontational. I do not quite get if there is a particular way you framed the situation that’s special. Would kindly communicating such issues with the person in question in a private setting be sufficient or is there some more art to it?
CJ,
There is an art to what I’m conveying other than doing so privately. One way to interact with someone is as a police officer. You are wrong. I caught you. You are now punished with my words! This is one type of energy that then influences word choice and tone of voice. This is the “art” of the “enforcer”.
The other is more from someone is concerned about the person that made a mistake. It’s the role of a “sincere helper”. It’s more “I don’t know if you realized it but during the all hands meeting last Friday, you said somethings that people were offended by. There’s a lot of talk around the office that’s very negative towards your reputation. Were you aware of this? If not, would like me to share what people took offense to and explain why they’re offended?”
-Victor
great article victor…..very crisp & to the point
Thanks.
Thanks for educating us on how this can be properly done. I was always wondering how and no one seemed to have a good answer.
I like this reframe – it feels very refreshing to call someone in rather than out. The mental image I get when I hear “calling in” is that of someone confiding something in someone privately, whereas “calling out” gives me images of a very public display of finger-pointing. Two very different types of energies.
It’s also to your credit that you were able to be transparent with the partner. I’m guessing you were lower in the corporate hierarchy than the partner when you did so? If so, I’m happy that you found the safety to share your point of view. What do you think one can do to feel the same level of security? And for leadership, what can be done to cultivate that level of safety?
Conversely, calling a direct report in also can have its challenge since there is a power imbalance. What are some tips you can share to make this feel like it’s less of a “talking down to” and more of a coaching opportunity..
Ali – I was a 1st year analyst. The partner was one of 4 people running all of the Financial Services practice in New York City. Massive difference in hierarchy.
For leaders, it is helpful to set the tone early in the working relationship that you welcome feedback from subordinate to you. In terms of you (the more senior person in the hierarchy) providing feedback to the direct report, that also comes from setting the tone early in the relationship. It looks something like this.
“For this role, it is expected that you achieve X, Y and Z for this calendar year. My job as your supervisor is less to be your boss, and more to be your coach in helping you achieve this goals. If you are unable to achieve these performance standards, you will not be able to continue in this role. If I am unsuccessful in helping you achieving these standards, it reflects poorly on me as a manager as I was ineffective in teaching you how to achieve these goals. You will get coaching feedback from me one or twice per week. Some things will be minor. Other things may be significant. If there is any feedback you can give to me to help me be better at helping you succeed, I want to hear. You have permission to share that with me at any time. How does this sound to you?”
This is the appropriate way to “de-escalate” a situation due to a misunderstanding or unintentional action.
However, should this attempt be ignored, you have every right to escalate and confront a situation directly as needed.