Shame and Guilt are not the same thing…

Back in the day, my buddy Gerry Leigh was an Alterboy. Who wasn’t? We earned great money for weddings. Plus time off from classes to attend Mass – coupled with a very slow walk back to school. Yes, being religious had an awful lot going for it.   But it came at a price. When taking Confession, as an official member of the church, you felt an obligation to tell all your sins, not just the easy ones.

Lock-In: Some weeks earlier, Gerry had sat on the wall outside his local church in Artane. Like many young lads he had a fascination for locks and had just purchased a brand new padlock & chain. But where could this equipment be formally tested? He decided to lock the church gates, causing absolute pandemonium when the churchgoers emerged into the bright sunlight and couldn’t drive out  (they were eventually rescued by a local handyman). 2 weeks later, during confession, as an Alterboy Gerry felt obliged to ‘confess’ the crime and then bailed out of the confession box before the priest actually recognized him. Somehow, he got away with it!

The Funeral: Roll the clock forward a couple of years and we are in yet another church setting. This time Gerry’s friend (who shall remain anonymous, for reasons that will become obvious in a moment), was attending a funeral for someone he didn’t know that well. He was there to ‘sign the book’ i.e. the practice in Ireland where you essentially record your attendance as a mark of respect for the deceased. Standing at the back of a very full church, somewhat bored, he decided to have a quick scan of his phone. That was  his first mistake. The fatal error was to open a What’s App message. This particular clip, of a woman having an extremely vocal orgasm, was set up in such a way that you couldn’t turn the volume down. I don’t think he hung around to sign the condolences book or toddle along afterwards for the soup and sandwiches!

Coaching Client: I’d smiled at both of the above stories but didn’t realize that I was just about to enter the fray myself.   The previous weekend, I’d cleared out the kids bedrooms – in an effort to stop them featuring on Buried Alive, the TV series about hoarders. Deep in Cillian’s room, I found a number of partly used A4 hardback notebooks – stuff from secondary school he’d been using as part of an Arts project. The notebooks were immediately commandeered for my office. I go through a ton of notebooks and finding this supply was pure treasure. A couple of days later I was in the middle of a serious session with a new female client. It was our first meeting. She was nervous but I’d managed to reassure her about the ‘safety’ of the process. Scribbling notes on one of Cillian’s notebooks, I flipped open a page to reveal the biggest ‘penis’ drawing I’ve ever seen. It was so anatomically correct, it could have hung in the National Art Gallery. Slamming that notebook closed, I almost cut off the circulation in my right hand, all the while trying to look completely nonchalant. You will see where all this is going in a moment.

Guilt Versus Shame: Shame can be a very destructive emotion. It’s that painful, sinking feeling that tells us we’re flawed or defective. The French philosopher Jean Paul Sartre described shame as: “An immediate shudder which runs through me from head to foot.”

Understanding Guilt: Guilt, on the other hand, can and should arise when we’ve spoken or acted in a way that has broken trust or wounded a relationship. When guilt grabs our attention, we need to press the pause button. In other words, Guilt has an upside.  Rather than just plowing forward, we have an opportunity to correct our behavior and atone for this. People who feel no guilt are pathological liars or sociopaths, without capacity for empathy. They casually disrespect or injure others without the inconvenience of feeling bad about it.   At times we might shout angry, hurtful words. Then, after the dust settles, we feel guilty for having attacked someone we care about — or for violating that person’s dignity. It follows that Guilt, while as immediately powerful as Shame, has a purpose. It can signal a requirement to change our behaviour or apologise to rebuild trust. But shame is a different emotion. It’s not “I did bad”; it’s the fundamental belief ‘I am bad.’

Relinquishing Shame: While guilt can provide a warning signal that our behaviour is offside, there’s no equivalent upside of shame. Shame is an inner cancer, eating away at our self-worth. The shamed person is bad as opposed to the guilty person who has done something bad (Cozolino:2010).   In the words of psychotherapist C.G. Jung “Shame is a soul eating emotion.”

Acknowledging that we did wrong, allows us to move on. We have all been guilty of past sins – some major, most minor. We have all had lapses of judgment and feel guilty about this,  but we normally have a chance to make amends.  In contrast, carrying lifelong shame is an enormous burden. So, where does this Shame come from?  Well, it can come from family issues that you may have had zero control over. For example, Burditt (1978) argues:  “Alcoholism isn’t a spectator sport; eventually, the whole family gets to play.” One person whom I know well, told me that she grew up ‘ashamed’ that they didn’t have a father (her dad died when she was very young).

If this issue of ‘carrying shame’ resonates with you, consider talking with a professional to help you move forward. That’s the first message this week. The second message, equally important, is to keep your phone switched off at funerals!

Here’s a New Years Resolution that will really add value – ditch Shame for good!

Paul

PS Lighter Note: In keeping with our theme this week…

“There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it”  Elayne Boosler

“My mother could make anybody feel guilty – she used to get letters of apology from people she didn’t even know”  Joan Rivers

“Religion is basically guilt with different holidays”  Cathy Ladman

“Food, love, career, and mothers, the four major guilt groups”  Cathy Guisewite

“Show me a woman who doesn’t feel guilty, and I’ll show you a man”  Erica Jong

Q: What’s the difference between shame and pity?

A: If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors, that’s a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.

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