Complaints vs. Requests

In individual relationships, it’s easy to complain.

The problem with complaining as a primary way of relating is that, often, there aren’t positive changes.

In fact, when you complain about somebody else, the most common reaction you’ll get is a counter-complaint.

This can spark a “complaint war.”

Here’s why complaints don’t always work and sometimes backfire and make the situation worse.

Complaining creates a power differential between two people.

There is the judger (a.k.a. the complainer) and the person being judged (a.k.a. the recipient of the complaint).

While some relationships have a built-in hierarchy (manager vs. direct report, parent vs. child), many other relationships are more peer-level (e.g., coworker vs. coworker, friend vs. friend, spouse vs. spouse, sibling vs. sibling).

Especially in relationships amongst equals, complaining creates a (temporary) power hierarchy. For the person on the receiving end of the complaint, it can feel offensive because they did not agree to be placed in the hierarchy.

Your brother or sister did not agree that you would be superior to them. Your coworker did not consent to you being their boss. Your spouse did not consent to be in a subservient role to you (unless they explicitly did agree to that).

As a result, when something is bothering you in a peer-level relationship, and you complain about it, you now have two problems. You have the original issue that was bothering you. You also have the issue of the recipient of the complaint reacting with defensiveness, resentment, or issuing a counter-complaint about you.

After all, the fastest way to stop feeling judged when someone complains about you is to judge and complain about them in return. While this is fast, it creates a self-reinforcing and often endless complaint cycle.

So, what can you do instead of complaining?

If you’re upset about a particular situation, instead of complaining, try making a request.

A request sounds like this:

“I have a request I’d like to ask of you. Would you (be willing to) ________________?”

For example, let’s say you’re upset because a colleague left you off of a meeting invite for a project. Instead of complaining by saying, “Why didn’t you include me in the meeting!” (which you’ll notice was not phrased as a question), try saying “I have a request I’d like to ask of you. Would you (be willing to) add me to the meeting invite for the weekly Project XYZ meeting?”

In professional settings, I prefer this request phrase: “Would you _______?”

(e.g., Would you add me to the meeting invite for this Friday?)

In familial and romantic relationships, I prefer this request phrase: “Would you be willing to ____________?”

I prefer explicitly adding the phrase “be willing to” because it is a good reminder of the difference between a request and a demand.

A demand is when there is only one correct response.

“Take out the trash” is not a request. It is a demand.

You can tell by the grammar, as “Take out the trash” is phrased as a statement and lacks a question mark.

When you start a request with “Would you be willing to” it sounds more explicitly like a question. “Would you be willing to have a one-on-one check-in meeting with me every other Friday afternoon?”

Phrasing it as a question gives the other person the option to say yes or no. In peer relationships, you ask. In hierarchical relationships, it’s better to ask, but you can sometimes make demands and get away with it.

I can demand that my kids clean up the mess they made. For a romantic partner, it will go over a lot better (especially in the long run) if I ask.

When you make a request, it also creates an opportunity for the other person to express their needs and negotiate.

So when you say, “Would you be willing to have a one-on-one check-in meeting with me every other Friday afternoon?” the other person can say no and make a counteroffer.

“I’m sorry. I have a conflict on Friday afternoon. Instead of a meeting, I’d be happy to have a check-in phone call every other Friday morning. Would that work for you?”

(Perhaps the person you asked is super busy. Perhaps they have an extra-long commute to a secondary office location on Friday mornings. Perhaps a phone call while commuting is easier for them.)

This will go much better than demanding a peer meet with you one-on-one every Friday afternoon, like this: “I demand you meet with me every other Friday afternoon for a check-in meeting.”

So, the takeaway from all of this is very simple.

Complain less.

Make requests more.

What do you think about this strategy? Comment below to let me know.