Coping with Death is a skill that we all have to learn

While there are some life tasks that you don’t want to become proficient at, they are an unfortunate necessity. Cleaning blocked drains immediately springs to mind. Writing eulogies might be in the same ballpark.

Portugal Trip: Last year, on a short break to Portugal, a friend was particularly worried about his aging mother and her forthcoming demise. She’d been sick for some time and the doctors were close to ‘calling it a day.’ Playing golf over a weekend, we had plenty of spare time. Across two leisurely dinners, we constructed a really poignant eulogy – without telling anyone we were doing this: “I’d love to know my son was ‘well advanced’ on writing my eulogy” – said no one, ever! But just as the newspapers have draft eulogies for high-profile figures – he wanted to be prepared when the time came. Better than scribbling down hurried notes in the middle of 10,000 funeral arrangements. Co-ordinating his thoughts in advance – wasn’t just an exercise in time management. He wanted to reflect the love he felt for a wonderful woman and to capture her life in a short but memorable way.

Hail & Hearty: Now, almost 24 months later, I’m happy to report that his mother is ‘hail and hearty’, still bouncing around and looking after herself in her own home. A modern-day Lazarus. We’re still laughing about it. Following that experience, I considered setting up a new business. Perhaps name it: Ignore the Doctors: What do they Know? Here’s how it would work. Regardless of the diagnosis you’d received, I’d pen your eulogy – and it would practically guarantee another 2 years on the planet! There might be a big market for that service. What do you think?

Writing Task: So – how do you actually go about constructing a eulogy? Is it really possible to condense 80 years into 8 minutes? At some recent funerals I’ve attended – this ‘quick summary’ idea got lost in the mix. During one particular funeral, we almost had to request a sleeping bag to survive the long-winded monologue. At another funeral, the person completing the eulogy began by telling us the name of the deceased’s Primary School Teacher – along with a range of other, equally riveting, detail. In a freezing cold church, we were only clapping to keep our circulation going.

Good Points: People (understandably) want to relate all the deceased’s good points. But too much emphasis on achievements can come across like a pitch for a senior job. Listening to eulogies can feel like you are participating in a very large group interview. So, what’s the best way to write a eulogy?   Following my extensive ‘funeral attendance research’ the answer is – there’s probably no single best way.

Recent Losses: Just before Christmas (2017) my sister Mary died. Ten days later my brother Peter died. Both were in their 70’s and both had been ill for some time. While the deaths were expected, they were still terribly sad. Of the original gang of 10, there are now only ‘6 Green bottles’ standing on the Mooney wall. At Peter’s funeral – his son Anthony – read the following poem – written over the previous days:

Hold Onto The Bright Bits…
Seems like you went away a long time ago. But just recently you closed your big bright blue eyes. And decided to finally let go
You’re in peace. You’re at rest. Dad. When you were there, you were the best
You’ve been sick for so long and it’s been really unfair. But when you were there – you were there.
You’d love a sing-song and liked a pint of black and white.
You’d stay with me when I couldn’t sleep. When I was sick through the night.

You’d hop across the train tracks to head off to work. Your nickname was Blue Peter. When it came to double shifts there was nobody could beat ‘cha.
As kids we had the best. We got all we needed and more
You’d work like mad – but in your fifties your illness got bad
I’d love to know you without the illness. It makes me sad.

You were some man for the grub and a real gent. But we’re now glad – you went.
You’re up in heaven without any pain – we have relief. In this time of grief.

You came from such a good crew all your lovely sisters. Two Ninja brothers and Paul and Sean. They’ve always been there when things went wrong.

Ballyfermot has a hole in its Soul. Profits in Lamb’s curry shop have suffered
And your old mates on the road are missing the man who wore. A suit each day. The man who got up at 6 and drank two raw eggs Every morning and was fit as fiddle. Then ends up passing away – what a cruel riddle.

But we as family are going to hold onto the bright bits.
The bits where you loved and cared for us dearly.
The bits where you helped us with out homework after dinner.
The bits where you made our summers special

Bringing all of childhood friends to various fun places.
You’re the reason we all work hard
You’re the reason we don’t see life as too bad
You’re the reason we find humour in the darkest of places.
You’re the reason we always try to have smiles on our faces

There’s so many funny stories I’d like to share. There’s so much love you gave to show you cared. You were sick and early on we didn’t know it. But now it explains why you lost your drive. And the energy you once had left your Soul. But we will always remember the bright bits. You sprinkled through all of our lives.

I’ll never forget you pulling us up for work on Sunday. Convinced it was Monday
You’d say: “You’re going to lose that job ya bowsey.” I hadn’t the heart to tell you it was only Sunday.

So there you go. There’s no perfect way to write a Eulogy – unless, of course, you decide to write your own. Now, there’s a thought.

Paul

PS Lighter Notes: I will definitely have to send another note to John McGlynn and stop him sending me this ongoing sexist stream of humour. He just doesn’t listen and seems oblivious to the #MeToo campaign. Ah well, here goes anyway (you’d need a smile after that blog topic).

*STRICTLY FOR MEN ONLY* – All the women should ‘look away now’ before it’s too late! (better still, convert these jokes and use them against men).

*When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.   Lee Majors

*I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. Bill Clinton

*Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays. George W. Bush

*I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. Rudy Giuliani

*I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first two left me and the third one didn’t. Donald Trump

*The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once. Kobe Bryant

*You know what I did before I got married? Anything I wanted to.
David Hasselhoff

*My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. Alec Baldwin

*Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy. Tommy Lee

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