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I was talking to a friend the other day about how my work seems to come in themes. A few years ago, much of my work seemed to be about conflict resolution in teams. During the Covid19 pandemic, it was about resilience and wellbeing. During 2023, it’s been all about feedback and challenging conversations. Whether I’m chatting on a podcast such as my most recent interview for the Jobsworth Podcast, or whether I’m being asked to give a talk or run a course – the topic de jour has been feedback.
Now there are lots of books and talks that suggest people are more afraid of public speaking than they are of jumping out of a plane. I’m not so sure about that. Based on my own experience of working with hundreds of managers over the years, I’m pretty certain most are more afraid of having a tough conversation with a colleague than anything else!
And look, there’s no shame in that, if that’s you. It’s a common issue. In fact, I went on my own journey with having challenging conversations when I was a line manager, getting wrong more often than right!
So here are my 3 tips for having a good feedback conversation:
Be clear and direct.
A 2008 study suggests we are more likely to be indirect when giving negative feedback. We’re likely to go all round the houses.
The management fad of the s**t sandwich is outdated and frankly doesn’t work. I’ve said this so many times, in workshops, to coaching clients and on podcasts. Get to the point. The other person is likely to have a sense that you want to say something to them, so going all round the houses only serves to make both of you more anxious. Just get to the point. And getting to the point doesn’t mean you have to be rude or aggressive.
If it helps, write out your main points in advance. A few bullet points to keep you focused. You can also practice with a trusted colleague, particularly if you’re nervous about the conversation. A practice run can really help with getting clear on the message, as well as helping to dispel some of our fears.
Every feedback conversation is a 50-50 responsibility
This has been a mantra of mine for many years. When I’m coaching a manager on having a challenging conversation with a colleague, they can end up overthinking it and tying themselves up in knots. This is often because not only are they taking responsibility for their bit of the conversation but they’re jumping ahead and taking responsibility for how the other person will think, feel and respond.
You are responsible only for your behaviour and how you show up to the conversation. If you can wholeheartedly say that you were respectful, you were clear, you listened, you gave space, and you didn’t judge, then great. You’ve done your bit. How the other person reacts is their responsibility. That is theirs to own.
Here’s my suggestion of what 50/50 responsibility can look like in a feedback conversation:
| Feedback giver | Feedback receiver |
| Give clear, specific and detailed feedback based on direct observation Establish a respectful dialogue Create shared goals Check for understanding by asking questions Give space for thinking and responding Co-develop an action plan | Take the feedback in the spirit with which it is given Be an active participant Ask clarifying questions Create shared goals Avoid defensive reactions Be aware of and manage responses to triggers Co-develop an action plan |
Up your emotional intelligence
If ever there was a time to amplify your emotional intelligence, its during a feedback conversation, particularly one that is challenging. In particular,
Be empathetic
one study suggests people who received negative feedback from a leader displaying empathic concern reacted more positively than those receiving negative feedback without. And those who responded positively to the feedback saw the leader as being more effective at giving feedback than those who responded negatively.
Download my sketchnote of Brene Brown’s 5 ways to be empathetic, from her book Dare to Lead.
Engage in deep listening
According to a 2018 study, an empathetic, non-judgmental, attentive listener may make people feel less anxious and defensive. The study found that people felt less defensive, which encouraged them to explore alternative ideas more deeply, recognise more nuances in views and share them more openly.
Download my sketchnote of the four levels of listening, from The Coaching Manual – by Julie Starr.
Be mindful
If you’re like most of the managers and leaders I work with, you’ll be rushing from meeting to meeting. Sometimes you’ll run late because there’s no time between meetings. This can have a cumulative effect throughout the day. You have a meeting first thing, it goes well but runs late. You then turn up to your next meeting apologetic and maybe a bit frazzled. Something happens in that meeting that upsets you and you head to your next meeting, a challenging conversation with a direct report, in that upset mood. How do you think that’s going to go?
Even just taking a minute or two to stop and engage in some deep breathing can make a difference. A simple technique I teach clients is the Four-Square Breathing Method, also known as Box Breathing.
Being mindful and intentional can make a difference to how a conversation goes. Check out my blog post on the 3-A framework, a simple series of questions to help us be more intentional and outcomes focused.
STUDY REFERENCES
Asmuß, B. (2008). Performance appraisal interviews: Preference organization in assessment sequences. The Journal of Business Communication, 45, 408-429.
Itzchakov, I., et al. (2018). The listener sets the tone: High-quality listening increases attitude clarity and behavior-intention consequences. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44, 762-778.
Young, S.F. et al. (2017). How empathic concern helps leaders in providing negative feedback: A two-study examination. Journal of Occupational and Organizational Psychology, 90, 535-558.
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